THERE’S GOLD IN THEM THAR HALLS!
Or the Chiseler’s Guide to Dungeoneering
So, you and your party of brave adventurers have finally done it! After fighting your way through a veritable army of blood crazed cultists and avoiding a plethora of fiendish traps along the way, the dread lord Dargulua finally falls mortally wounded by your blade!
His last words echo throughout the richly appointed chambers and his lifeblood spills across the fine Turmish rug at your feet as you congratulate yourselves on a job well done.
Surely there’s nothing left to do but divvy up the treasure (with a full share to the party fund of course)? After that its off home… Back to your loved ones’ arms, or maybe the local tavern for buxom wenches and casual drunken violence, but more likely Charlie Tanns Magic Emporium for this year’s must have magic item… RIGHT?
WRONG! For the chiseling, skinflint and truly miserly adventurer the real work has only just begun.
It’s important to remember that, unlike the modern world, EVERYTHING has value in a pre-industrialised setting. Whereas you may simply throw away any unwanted or shabby clothes, anyone dwelling in a fantasy or pseudo historical setting would be forced by necessity to ‘mend and make do’ due to the grinding poverty most are forced to endure, not to mention the high cost (in man-hours and materials) of any hand crafted item, there’s no ye olde Walmart in Faerun after all!
Keeping this in mind a canny and coin conscious adventurer can look upon any ‘dungeon’ be it a heavily fortified keep, rogues’ guild hidden beneath the city or ancient evil temple of a long forgotten god, with different (greed filled) eyes. Sure the large majority of any treasure is likely to take the form of hard cash, trade bars and magic items (a favorite of bad guys the world over) but substantial coin can be made elsewhere. Take for example that pile of poor quality bloodied and battered orc armour and weapons your party has accrued whilst defending the villagers from the orcish horde. Sure its no good for human use but it can be sold for scrap, melted down and recast 100 times easier than pulling more ore out of the ground. Hire yourself a few blacksmiths to reforge it into usable equipment and you can turn a tidy profit.
Of course no penny pinching adventurer worthy of the name would content himself with a pile of battered and broken equipment, not when your average ‘dungeon’ is a treasure trove of untapped wealth. Literally everything that can be carried out of the ‘dungeon’ and transported to civilization should be – EVERYTHING! Soft furnishings, statues and objets d’art, books (along with any bookcases), carpets, wall sconces, clothing and supplies, doors – even the flagstones off the floor! If you can rip it out it’s going to be worth something to someone. Of course it goes without saying that if the campaign is set in a high fantasy world where magic items are easily available extra dimensional storage items such as a ‘portable hole’ or the ever popular ‘bag of holding’ will allow you to strip a dungeon to its bare bones with ease.
But the true chiseler still has one more trick up his sleeve, though one not suitable for all ‘dungeons’…. Selling the location of the ‘dungeon’ itself! Take for example the hidden thieves guild from earlier, once you’ve cleared out the vile cutpurses who dwell there (and if your party doesn’t want it for themselves) its location can be sold to another criminal faction, or anyone else who can meet your price. Coin should not be your only motivation however, granting a recently liberated keep to the local lord, holy brotherhood or knightly order can reap greater benefits long term than a bulging coin purse!
Of course you should be careful about your ‘charitable donations’, if selling a hidden base to a righteous but ultimately doomed rebellion you’re far better taking hard coin than promises of future goodwill (and if they somehow manage to overthrow their oppressors…. well you still helped them out!).
Now obviously when you’re a high level adventurer and your time is precious, there’s always a beautiful damsel to be saved or some uppity demon king needing to be banished etc., etc. and you simply haven’t the time to deal with every minute detail regarding the stripping of recently ‘bashed dungeons’.
Quite apart from this it wouldn’t be fair on the other players/gm. Roleplay’s supposed to be an escape from the mind numbing tedium of everyday life, you’re playing Dungeons & Dragons after all not Ledgers & Logistics! So what exactly are you to do? Well that’s easy, what every true chiseler should…. get somebody else to do it for you! Hirelings, Henchman, followers call them what you will, they’re the little oft forgotten people, the cogs that make the whole machine work, without them you’re just another bum with a magic sword and a suspect moral compass, but with them at your back you’re a lean, mean, dungeon stripping machine! Two schools of thought exist when using hired labor: some prefer simply to hire from the local population (saving costs when traveling due to an inactive workforce) others prefer to have a professional team travel with them, in my mind (surprisingly enough) you can’t beat the latter.
“What’s this?” I hear my fellow skinflints ask, “Paying out coin? have ye gone mad?”.
Well before you rush to condemn me allow me to explain my reasoning. Firstly locally sourced labour is likely to be of inferior quality, in any agricultural society crops and livestock need to be looked to lest you and your family starve come winter, anybody willing or able to risk their future for a handful of silver coins isn’t going to be the sharpest tool in the box. Professionals are also less inclined to refuse to enter ‘that accursed place’ or quit just because Dave got dissolved by an acid trap your rogue missed. Secondly, and more importantly, having your own hard-working, loyal team at your side gives you plenty of time to fleece them dry. What do I mean by fleece them dry? Its simple really, Google ‘Victorian working practices’ and take your pick!
Here’s some examples of how I’d go about it:
- To start find yourself a nice cheap source of labour immigrants – refugees or races of low standing such as half orcs are fertile recruiting grounds.
- Continue by paying your hirelings a ‘decent enough’ wage (let them think they’re getting a good deal, no point them getting all discontented and unmotivated) along with reasonable but in no way generous rations of food and booze (you’re not a monster!) nutritious, but as tasteless, bland and boring as you dare.
- Wages should be paid weekly preferably on the night before their day off and in the form of chits or script (tokens of promise to pay once they return from a job).
Sounds like a decent enough deal so far right?
But this is where the chiseler can really go to town by bringing along a quartermaster and a supply wagon to act as a ‘company store’ (click here to hear more about this delightful working practice) basically a shop which accepts your issued script for goods at inflated prices. Want more meat?…. cash in some of your script. Extra beer or tobacco? …show me your script. Extra candles? Paper to write home? The list goes on and on. This, along with payment the night before their day off, means they should eat, drink or smoke most of their wages straight back into your pockets!
Finally its worth remembering men have other needs, a few camp followers (or to be vulgar…whores) in your ‘employ’ can further drain your men of their wages in short order as can a couple of skilled gamblers hidden within their midst as guards or cooks etc. (and kicking back a healthy percentage to you), do it right and your hirelings could end up indebted to you!
I hope you’ve enjoyed this article, that it has helped inspire your inner chiseler and that next time you’re round the table slinging dice with friends you’ll find a couple of new and cunning ways to help yourself to your (unfair) share! Please feel free to comment on anything here, I’d especially like to hear you’re own tales of tight-fisted tomfoolery, but in the meantime I’ll leave you with my favorite chiseler motto:
‘Mead is sweet when drunk….but bitter when paid for’.
by Rabbit
2 Comments
admin
June 9, 2011Being the Dungeon Master for your group was always a worry… I think my favorite was the time i didn’t give the group any treasure and all you found was a group of around 30 orphans where the treasure should have been. In true lawful good fashion you DIVVIED UP THE CHILDREN!
A shocking group all in all. Great article, I’m glad you helped us out by writing it.
Chris
June 9, 2011The real money is in real estate. clean out the dungeon, hire some lackeys to clean it out, give it a good coat of paint, possibly hire some carpenters to do up a nice master suite then sell it off.